


but it's you that i need

by happythehardway93



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background GingerRose, Ben's not perfect either, F/M, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Underage Drug Use, Mention of children, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey has issues, but she has an excuse, dealing with a breakup, it was weed but not elaborated, love makes you do stupid things, mentions of ben and bazine, rey's a little tipsy, she responds by running
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25993123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happythehardway93/pseuds/happythehardway93
Summary: It’s the night of the rehearsal dinner. Rey probably could have found a better time to let Ben know she still loved him.Fic inspired by a galacticidots prompt.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 49
Kudos: 116
Collections: Galactic Idiots Collection





	1. what have i done?

**Author's Note:**

> I want to give a huge shout out to [Fran](https://twitter.com/galacticidiots/status/1289405144866537477) for her amazing prompts. This one has been a lot of fun to play with, give her a follow for some great inspiration.

“Ben’s getting MARRIED!”

Rey swayed slightly, grip tightening on her champagne glass. The crowd was restless as she stood at the podium to make her speech. Well, a speech of some kind. She didn’t have anything prepared after all. Rose and Hux had asked her to stall before shoving the mic into her hand.

To the crowd, Rey was nobody special. She wasn’t a close family friend, not anymore. She didn’t set up the happy couple on a blind date, hadn’t ever been around them as a couple to be honest. Nothing. She was just a girl. A girl whose high school sweetheart was about to get married.

“Remember the day we met? We were 15. You said ‘Let’s do drugs!’”

Rey could remember that day like it was yesterday. Her first day at Alderaan High had been rough, to say the least. The only positive had been meeting Ben. The only empty seat left in her literature class had been next to him. He was quiet, dressed head to toe in black, hair hanging just past his eyes. But there was something about him, a pull that she couldn’t quite explain that roped her in. He felt it too, he had told her early on. As if they were two people with a shared soul.

Rey brushed that thought away, bringing her attention back to the people in front of her. A quiet murmur spread through the room, people eyeing her with either confusion or concern. Hux and Rose had reappeared finally, both eyeing her with a mixture of curiosity and regret. Maybe this wasn’t their intention when they had asked her to stall? 

“Relax, it was oregano.” 

Except it wasn’t, but, whatever. Not the point. No one would appreciate that story anyways. Two teenagers skipping out on last period, hiding out in the forest behind the school, talking about their dreams and desires. That memory was hers to hold onto, there was no point in sharing it with this crowd.

Rey sighed, changing course. “There was this one time that Ben took me to the farm, on the outskirts of town. That was the first time I had ever seen a cow, do you remember? I was so excited!”

Rey’s childhood had been anything but a dream. Abandoned by her parents at the age of three, Rey had bounced from home to home. Sometimes for a few weeks, sometimes for a few years. Her life experiences had been dismal compared to others her age. That changed when she met Ben, who made it his mission to ensure Rey could experience anything her heart desired. According to Ben, that included the age old tradition of cow-tipping.

“I remember wandering the fields with you that night, talking about our future and where we saw ourselves in ten years.”

Time was a funny thing. It put a lot of things into perspective. Ten years ago, Rey never would have imagined she’d be living across the country, struggling to make ends meet because school was damn expensive, living off of her friend Finn’s couch because a couch was better than the street. No, Rey’s future plans had been a lot simpler then. And of all the things she had imagined, one thing was always constant: Ben was always at her side. 

“You were my first real friend, Ben. I didn’t know what it was like to feel included, to feel normal, until I met you.”

She gulped, trying to hold in the tears that were threatening to escape. Ben had made her feel things she never thought possible. Her hardships had led her to believe she was unlovable, that she didn’t deserve to be happy. He had helped her to break through those thoughts and see the strong, passionate, and independent woman he saw her as. She had believed him, of course. After all, he loved her, and would have done anything to prove that to her.

“You told me you loved me. That night. And I said it back. I meant it. I still-”

The mic was out of her hand in a flash, Hux stepping up to cease her trailing thoughts. “What Rey is trying to say is she is very happy for you Ben and wishes you and Bazine the best.”

Rose was right behind her, hand rubbing small circles on her back, whispering in her ear.

“Come one, hun. Let’s go grab some water,” she uttered, tugging slightly on the back of Rey’s dress, pulling her to the closest side door. Rey grumbled, reluctantly doing as instructed. She’d done enough damage, it seemed. 

Hux continued on as the pair made their way towards the door. Rey could feel the strange looks being sent their way as they tried to sneak out with as little fanfare as possible. She made the mistake of looking to her left, catching sight of Ben’s parents, both of whom were eyeing her up. Han looked like he was trying to hold in a laugh, raising his glass at her when they locked eyes. Leia looked on in concern, like a mama bear who didn’t know how to help her young cub. 

Ben’s parents had practically taken her under their wings after the first time Ben invited her over. They had instantly treated her as family. She had spent many afternoons in the shop with Han, helping him with his latest project on the Falcon. Leia had been happy to pamper her, treating her like the daughter she never had. They were what Rey had always imagined good parents to be. She couldn’t help the visceral reaction to seeing them again, her breath catching in her throat as her heart rate sped up. Were they as disappointed in her as she was of herself? Did they even care about her anymore?

Rose kept her moving, her hand on her back keeping her somewhat in the moment. They were almost to the door before Hux began to wrap up his speech.

“And with that, as the best man, I would like to offer a toast to the happy couple! May tomorrow be everything you’ve ever dreamed of, and the start of your happily ever after. To Ben and Bazine!”

“To Ben and Bazine!” the room cheered, glasses clinking as the chatter began again. 

As Rose ushered her out, Rey chanced a quick look over her shoulder, eyes instantly finding their way to Ben. He sat still, eyes locked with hers, while the rest of the room moved about. His eyes were glazed over, mouth slightly agape as their eyes locked. Her heart fluttered under his scrutiny, the rest of the room non-existence to her in that moment. It was just them. She smiled softly, time standing still for a moment. A moment where she could forget her mistakes and pretend she had never left. A moment where she could pretend that she was still his. 

But as all things do, their moment came to an end as his attention was pulled away by his fiance. Rey watched on as he smiled slightly at Bazine as she spoke to him before leaning in for a kiss. Rey turned away before she could see anything more, her heart beginning to crumble at the thought. She wasn’t his anymore, he had moved on. And she only had herself to blame for that. 

“Come on. Someone needs some fresh air and an Uber back to the hotel,” said Rose as she ushered her towards the front entrance. She kept a step or two in front of her as they made their way down the hall. 

“I’m fine, I promise! Just get me some water and I’ll be fine.”

“You’re crazy if you think I'm letting you back in there like this.”

“Rose, you’re overreacting, I have everything under control.”

“I asked you to stall, not spout some bullshit about still loving the man.”

“But I do,” she said softly.

Rose stopped dead in her tracks, turning back slowly towards her. Her eyebrows were raised, mouth agape in shock.

“What?”

Rey gulped. “I do. Still love him, that is. That wasn’t a lie.”

The night Rey broke things off with Ben, she had left more than just him behind in her dust. Bags packed and ready, she had walked out of his life and the only one she had ever felt like was hers. She thought it would be easier that way. If she wasn’t around, there was no way anyone would be able to convince her to change her mind. But she didn’t just leave Ben. She left her support system too: Rose, Hux, even Han and Leia. She had broken contact with all as she seeked out a new home out east. 

The first few months after leaving were a blur. That was until Finn found her. Their shared childhood experiences made for a natural connection. He was like a brother to her, her new support system who knew her better than she knew herself. He had been the one to push her to reach out, insisting her fear was keeping her from moving on. And he had been right of course, her and Rose falling back into the easy friendship they had built during senior year of high school. It was a miracle Rose had ever let her back in, let alone wanted her to come visit, declaring a reunion was needed on the old stomping grounds. 

“And you think this was the best time to drop that little truth bomb on us all?” scolded Rose. 

“Hey, you were the one that neglected to inform me that I was walking into the rehearsal dinner for my ex,” she retorted, pointing her finger accusingly. 

“Would you have hopped on that plane if I had?”

Rey shrugged. “Probably not.”

Rose crossed her arms in front of her chest, sighing loudly. “Alright, spill. Do you truly still love him?”

Rey locked eyes with Rose, voice barely more than a whisper. “Yes.”

“Rey, I just don’t understand. You were the one that broke up with Ben! And not just that, you disappeared! You left us all, what am I supposed to think?”

“Rose, I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I’ll never be able to apologize enough for that. But you have to believe me when I say I still love him. I wouldn’t lie about that.”

“But why? Help me understand.”

“Why what?”

“Why did you leave if you still loved him?”

There were times where Rey questioned this herself. The nights when she couldn't sleep, tossing and turning with the memory of his helpless look as she ended it. The days when she felt like she would never be able to be happy. Any progress she had made at being kinder to herself had disappeared the moment she walked out of his life. But she had done what she needed to, the thing she knew best. She had to protect herself. 

“Because he was going to leave me anyway. I had to do it.”

Rose looked exasperated, her left eyebrow twitching slightly. “Rey, are you insane?”

“Maybe? I don’t know, I thought it was the right thing to do.”

“Rey, that’s not what I meant. I meant it was crazy for you to ever assume he was going to leave you. That man was head over heels in love with you!”

“I just, I felt like something was off. I couldn’t shake it.”

“I’m sorry, I’m having troubles processing this.”

Rey stood silently, fiddling with her fingers as Rose paced back and forth.

Finn had wanted her to reach out sooner. It was a contentious issue between them. The night she had finally conceded she had been a bottle and half of wine deep. Rose was the first on her list, thinking it would be easier to start with her. The tears flowed freely between the two as the pair caught up on each other’s lives. But the topic of Ben and leaving was never approached. It was a silent agreement between them. Rey never asked and Rose never brought it up, happy to discuss her new job and ask questions about Finn and her life on the East Coast. 

“I’m sorry, Rey. I really am. I just- I,” she paused, thinking over her words. “It’s just that out of everyone, you two were the couple that you couldn’t help but be a bit jealous of. There was something so special between you. You two were the blueprint!”

She smiled wistfully. “That was a long time ago, Rose.”

“I know that. This just brings up a lot of feelings again.”

“I know.”

“I was heartbroken that you left, but did you know how hard it was to accept that maybe love isn’t ever good enough? I mean, if it couldn’t keep you here when Ben clearly would do anything for you, what was the point?”

“Rose.”

“You left a mess behind when you left. A part of me understood, I think. I get that you were scared, I do, but…” she sighed, stepping up to Rey to grab her hands. “Rey. You have to know how broken he was.”

Disappearing had always been part of the plan, just not something she revealed until she was gone. She knew better than to let any of them know her plan. They would have tried to convince her to stay. She could still remember the look on Ben’s face as she walked on him for good, the look of utter devastation and loss. She forced herself to keep going and stick to the plan; leave him before he can leave you. 

“I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“Yes, you’ve mentioned that a few times now.”

“He seems happy now, though,” she whispered, eyes cast down towards her feet. 

“You haven’t been around him in years, how can you be the judge of that?” asked Rose, irritated with her responses. 

“I know, but still.”

Rose groaned. “I don’t even know where to start with you, but we need to get you out of here and into bed if there’s any hope for tomorrow. Let’s go.”

Rose grabbed onto her wrist, continuing their journey to the front doors. They weren’t far now, entering the lobby of the hotel. 

“Rose, I’m fine.”

“We’re not arguing about this. Let's go.”

“Rose, I’m-”

“Rey.”

The pair froze. Rey would have recognized his voice anywhere. She didn’t need visual confirmation. She took a deep breath before turning around slowly, taking him in. He looked older up close, hair longer than he kept it when they were together. She had seen him earlier in the night, that was true. But not this close. Not to the point where she knew she could reach out and touch him if she wanted to. His eyes locked with hers and her insides flooded with warmth. He still had a way of making her feel like this. Like she was someone special. 

“Rose, can you give us a minute?” he asked, never taking his eyes off of her. 

“Ben, I don’t think this is a good idea. Rey was just leaving,” Rose warned. 

“It’s fine, Rose. I’ll get her into a cab. Hux needs you in there.”

“Ben.”

“He asked me to find you. He’s having troubles tracking down all the bridesmaids to confirm the plan for tomorrow.”

“Shit, I saw one sneaking off with Dameron.”

“That would be the one.” 

Rose hesitated, glancing between the both of them. “I don’t know.”

“Rose, please,” Ben begged. 

“It’s fine, Rose,” said Rey, speaking up for the first time since he had appeared. “It’ll be okay.”

Rose sighed loudly. “Fine, but I expect you back in there in 10 minutes, Solo, you understand?” 

She eyed him sternly, keeping her hands on her hips to prove her point. 

“Yes, Rose. I’ll be there.”

Rose reached out, grabbing onto Rey’s hand again, forcing Rey to tear her gaze away from Ben for the first time since he arrived. 

“Do you want me to come check in on you later? I shouldn’t be here much longer.”

“No, I’ll be fine. It’s been a long day, I’ll probably crash pretty quickly.”

“Rose, I’ve got her. She’ll get back in one piece, I promise.”

She grumbled, eyes zeroed in on Ben. “I don’t know if that makes me feel any better, but fine. Ten minutes, Solo, then the search party comes out.”

“Got it,” he responded as Rose made her way back towards the rehearsal dinner. Her heels could be heard as she moved away, fading slowly before the sound disappeared completely. 

The two stood in silence. The bustling of the lobby continued around them, people moving past them as they continued to stare at one another, neither one quite sure where to start. Rey’s felt as if her brain was short-circuiting, unable to pick a conversation starter. How do you start a conversation with someone when the last time you saw them you were breaking up with them? 

“Hi,” he said softly, a small smile appearing on his lips. 

“Hey.”

“I, uh, I didn’t know you were coming,” he said, idly pulling at his hair. It was a nervous tick of his, Rey remembered.

“Neither did I.”

He dropped his hand, titling his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“Rose, uh, she invited me to visit. She just didn’t mention this weekend was, uh-”

“Oh. Um, yeah.”

Rey gnawed nervously on her bottom lip, hands clenched at her sides. “So, um. You planned a good dinner.”

He chuckled. “Uh, thanks. Can’t say I had much say in this, though. Bazine’s the one who called all the shots.”

“Ah.”

“So, you said Rose invited you to visit?”

“She did.”

“I didn’t realize you two were talking, again.”

“Um, yeah. It hasn’t been long.”

“Oh, that’s nice. I know she really missed you.”

“She did?”

“Of course she did. I did, too.”

Rey gaped slightly, unable to formulate a response. It shouldn’t have been surprising, especially when considering the matter of her exit. She just didn’t think he’d be so forthcoming. 

She could tell he was deep in thought. Eyebrows slightly furrowed, chewing lightly on the inside of his cheek. He brought his eyes up to hers, clearly nervous about what he was about to say. 

“Rey. What you said back there, about the, you know, still loving me? Well, I assume it was what you were about to say and-”

“It was. What I was going to say, I mean,” she stuttered out. 

Her heart rate increased as she watched him process the information. His mouth hung open, words on the tip of his tongue. The seconds felt like hours, her heart rate steadily increasing the longer he went without answering. His hands clenched tightly, then opened again, mouth opening then closing as he rethought his answer.

“Oh,” was all he managed to say before the silence between them returned.

The thought had crossed her mind, the possibility of seeing him again on her visit with Rose. She had drafted up different conversations they could have, the classic questions like “how have you been” or “what do you do for work.” But nothing she ever imagined could prepare her for this.

Of course she’d thought about it, even wished for it at some point. Ben deserved to be happy, deserved to be loved, even if it wasn’t with her. The rational side of her knew that, but knowing and accepting were clearly two very different things. 

She was shaken from her thoughts, noticing his timid approach. She looked up at him as he closed the space between them, his confusion clear in his eyes. “Rey, you can’t be serious.”

She sighed. “I know, I know. It’s been a long day and I might have had a few drinks and don’t seem like I’m making any sense, but I’m not drunk. I know it might not seem true but-”

“Rey, you were the one who left me. I mean,” he paused, running his hand through his hair. “You were the one who wanted to break up, wanted life experience, or whatever it was you were spouting off about. So, excuse me for being confused as to why you’re saying all of this now. I mean, I’m getting married tomorrow, and-”

“I might have been the one to initiate the break up, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you then. I know we haven’t seen each other in years, but... I just,” she sighed, unsure of how to relay her feelings. Words had never been her strong suit, afterall. 

“Rey, why are you saying this now?”

“Champagne helps the truth roll easier, I guess,” she shrugged. 

It wasn’t the champagne, but she may appreciate the little white lie later. Truth was, she was exhausted. Keeping this inside had nearly ruined her. She had been a shell of a person before she had Finn. She was thankful she had him now, someone to listen on the days when her inner demons were taking over. But he didn’t know her when she was with Ben. No matter what she told him, it was hard for him to truly understand what she was going through. 

Ben stood there confused, eyes darting from a spot on the floor back to her. He was clearly conflicted, gnawing on the inside of his lip. Rey took a step back, trying to escape before things could get worse.

“I should go, before Rose comes out here looking for you.”

Ben stepped forward, reaching out for her wrist. “Wait, Rey. We should talk about this.”

Her heart beat faster as he spoke those words, her body getting ready to flee. This was such a bad idea, thinking she could just show up for the wedding, pretend like he meant nothing to her. It wasn’t possible. Not when it should be her standing next him at the altar tomorrow. 

“Rey, you can’t just spring something as important as this on me and expect me to go about my day like nothing has happened.”

His grip on her wrist loosened, drifting down to tangle his fingers with hers. 

“Can we go somewhere? Just to talk, but, somewhere… just away from all these people. Please?”

She could list a million reasons why this was a bad idea, why she should turn around and hop into a cab and go straight back to the airport. There were a million different ways she could respond, and yet, there was only one answer she could think of in that moment.

“Yes.”


	2. my soul has been torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey have a much needed conversation. But like most things in Rey's life, it probably won't go the way that she thinks it will.

With her hand in his, Ben pulled her through the lobby doors, away from the wandering eyes of the other guests. They walked quickly towards the side of the building, a small garden hidden around the corner. They kept close to the side of the building, hidden by the shadows of the lights. He dropped her hand before he began pacing back and forth, hands on his hips as he figured out how to start. Rey leaned against the wall, eyes cast down as she gnawed at her bottom lip.

“So, what do you want to know?” she asked, breaking the silence that had settled between them. Her brain worked into overdrive, worrying about all the possible ways this conversation could go. 

Ben sighed loudly before stopping in front of her, reaching out to brush a loose hair behind her ear. “How have you been?”

Rey looked up into his eyes, a little surprised by his line of questioning. “Oh, um. Good, I guess.”

“Good,” he said softly, hand dropping back down to his side. “I didn’t realize you were in contact with Rose again.”

She was silent, hands clasped in front as she thought over her response. It had only been a few months since her and Rose reconnected. The pair only chatted once or twice a week, the whole reunion thing only coming up two weeks ago. A ticket had been sent to her before she could really argue the point, something Rey was starting to think was her plan all along. 

“I don’t know, I guess I’m not surprised you didn’t want to talk with me, but..” he trailed off. 

“That’s not true,” she replied quickly. “Please don’t think I never wanted to talk to you again.”

Ben was a topic Rey tried to avoid, but Finn knew her well enough to find ways to get information out of her. He had pieced it together from the little bits she would reveal, usually after she’d had a few too many drinks. It was nice for him to know, but he still didn’t quite understand her pain. How could he? He didn’t know her when she was with Ben.

The truth was that reaching out to Rose had been a compromise. Finn’s true intention was for her to contact Ben. He thought it would be therapeutic, a way for her to atone for her errors and make peace with her past. He had hoped it would help her to finally be happy with life, find a way to move on from her past. But there was no way she could do that, somehow convincing herself he would hang up the second he heard her voice. Yet, there was still a part of her that was curious. The dreaded _what if_ statement always drifting around in her head, making her think things that she could have had if she hadn’t been so stupid.

“What do you mean it’s not true?” he asked, confused by her admission.

She looked down at her shoes, quietly responding. “I didn’t think you’d ever want to hear from me again, after I… well, you know. Left.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it though?”

He sighed exaggeratedly. “Honestly, yes. It is ridiculous.”

“Ben.”

“Rey, I just don’t understand,” he responded, his tone beginning to harden. 

“Understand what?”

“All of it!”

She froze at his outburst, her heart feeling as if it could burst at any moment. Ben very rarely resorted to outbursts, especially where Rey was concerned. Not since high school, that was, after years of therapy and anger management classes. His anger had settled in the time they had been together, with her helping him find other outlets to release his pent up frustration on. It was something she had always been proud of him for, his commitment to being better for her. For them. 

His calm demeanor was slipping away, his hands shaking slightly as he tried to school his features, taking deep breaths to reign in his outburst. Rey watched as he breathed in slowly, eyes shut tight before he exhaled out, eyes catching hers in a desperate plea. 

Her breathing hitched slightly, her lack of control over the situation becoming more and more evident as time went on. “Ben, what is there to talk about? It won’t change anything so-”

“How do you know?”

“What?”

“How do you know it won’t change anything? How do you know it won’t matter to me?”

“Because it can’t matter. Not anymore.”

“Unbelievable,” he huffed. 

“Ben, I don’t know what you want from me!” she screamed, arms flying out in exasperation. 

“Neither do I!” he yelled before turning his back to her, hand reaching up to rub at his temples. “I’ve never known when it comes to you,” he whispered. 

Rey took a tiny step toward him, reaching out to grab his arm. He turned back, eyes looking down at her hand, eyebrows furrowed in thought. She dropped her hand quickly, almost as if he had burned her, as his eyes drifted back up to her own.

“I’m sorry for coming and ruining tonight. I didn’t know, I swear.”

“Rey.”

“I’m really happy for you. You’re getting married. Getting everything you’ve ever dreamed of. I hope you know how proud I am of you. But I should probably go, before I make things worse for you.”

As she tried to move away, his hand shot out, grabbing onto her wrist. “Rey, you don’t have to go.”

“I should though. I mean, I shouldn’t be here. You never wanted me here to begin with.”

“Don’t say that.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, okay? But you running away again sure as hell isn’t going to help this situation.”

He was furious now. He dropped her wrist before he began pacing back and forth. He kept his gaze down, mumbling to himself. Rey crossed her arms in front of her chest, holding back her tears. 

It was like being transported back in time. The look in his eyes was the same from the fateful night. She remembered his anger as she spoke, seething underneath the surface as she purposefully cut him off knowing all too well that he’d argue her logic away. His anger had dissipated into defeat, before morphing into utter devastation as she turned her back on him for the final time, fleeing the life she had once thought would be her happily ever after. 

“You can’t walk out again. Not until I understand why.”

“Why what?”

“Why everything, Rey! Why you left me in the first place, why you ran away without telling any of us, why you came back and practically announced to my entire family that you're still in love with me! I mean, seriously Rey, what the fuck kind of timing is this?” he seethed. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Seriously, I’m supposed to be getting married and-”

“I know, but I am sorry. It was bad timing. I shouldn’t have said it like that. In front of,” she gulped, “Everyone.”

He sighed loudly. “That’s not what I’m mad about.”

“What do you mean?”

“Rey, if you still loved me like you said you did, then why did you break up with me? Why’d you just disappear without telling anyone where you were? I just, I don’t understand.” 

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters! How could it not matter?”

“It’s in the past, we don’t need to talk about it.”

“I think we do.”

“I don’t think so.”

“No, we need to have this conversation right now.”

“Ben.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Rey, stop being dense, you know exactly what I mean. Why did you leave me?” he pleaded. 

Rey’s heart clenched tightly at the look in his face. Devastation, heartbreak, and remorse; all feelings Rey knew too well. It was one thing to know you’ve inflicted pain on another, something she’d lived with for years. But seeing how she still affected him so? How could she ever live with herself now?

“Well, I just.. I thought… you were acting weird! How else was I supposed to take it?” she whispered, trying her hardest to avoid his expressive eyes. She couldn’t look at him, not now. Not when this was so much harder than she could have ever imagined. 

“What?”

“I thought you were getting ready to break up with me! Ben, everyone I’ve ever cared about has left me, so was it really that far fetched for me to believe that you were going to leave me too?”

“Rey, I-”

“It’s fine. I saved you the trouble.”

“Trouble of what?”

“I saved you from having to be the bad guy. You didn’t break a promise. It was the right thing to do.”

“Rey, that’s not- Rey, listen, I-”

“It’s done, it happened. We can’t go back so I should just go and sleep this off, and you should get back in there with your guests and laugh off whatever just happened back there. Paint me as the jealous ex, I won't blame you.”

“No! We’re not done here.”

“Ben.”

“Rey, you need to know this. I should have told you back then but you seemed so dead set on leaving and, I don’t know, I thought that’s what you really wanted.”

“It doesn’t matter, I-”

“I wasn’t planning on breaking up with you!”

“What?” she uttered softly, clenching her hands tightly to prevent herself from reaching out. 

Rey thought back to that time, back when her suspicions were high. The short answers, the quiet demeanour when they were together, hiding his phone whenever she was close. All these red flags in her mind couldn’t be ignored. They were classic signs of cheating, of wanting more from their relationship than she was willing to give. She couldn’t have been wrong about that, right? 

“You were my world. Leaving you had never even crossed my mind. Did you really think I didn’t want to be with you?”

“What else was I supposed to think? You weren’t talking to me, you were always so reserved when we were together. I had no choice but to think that!”

“I wasn’t intentionally being weird, Rey, I was-”

“You were, what Ben?” she snapped back, her anger starting to get the best of her. 

“Rey, stop interrupting and let me finish!”

“No! Because whatever you have to say won’t change anything. I stand by what I did, and I’d do it again. It was the right thing for me, for the both of us, and-”

“I was going to propose!” he yelled, immediately turning his back to her. “Fuck.”

The truth crashed into her as if a bucket of cold water was dumped over her head. The one thing she had believed full-heartedly for years was a lie. The walls she had built around her came crashing down, as she looked up to see the devastation clear across his face. 

Rey straightened slightly, mouth hanging wide in shock. “What?”

He sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he turned back to her. “I was acting weird because I wanted to propose to you. I had been planning it for weeks, getting my grandmother’s ring, setting up a photographer to capture the moment, all of it. I-,” he sighed, pulling at the ends of his hair. “I had everything set up for the day after you broke up with me.”

Rey’s heart stopped for a beat, the shock of his admission coursing through her veins. 

“No. No, you’re lying,” she whispered. This couldn’t be happening, there was no way that was the truth.

“Why would I lie?” he spoke, his pain etched into his features. “You were my everything. I had everything when I was with you. Is it really so crazy to think I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you?”

“Ben, stop. Please don’t.”

“Don’t what, Rey?”

“Don’t make this harder than it already is!” she spoke, tears silently streaming down her face.

His anger dropped, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. “You think this is hard? Learning the truth?”

“I shouldn’t have come here. Ben, shit. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Stop running away from me, Rey.”

“What?”

“You ran. You broke up with me and then ran away. Stop running away and have his conversation with me like we should have back then.”

“Ben.”

He moved quickly, effectively trapping her between the wall and him. His hands found the wall, leaving enough space so they weren’t touching, but still close. His eyes were full of regret as he tried to reign in his outburst, lowering his voice before he spoke. “Why did you leave?”

She swallowed, trying to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape.

“I had to,” she said mournfully. “Ben, I didn’t know how I’d survive being around you if you weren’t mine anymore.”

His face fell, his breath coming out in short puffs. One hand drifted close to her face, fingers lightly dancing along her jawline. “I shouldn’t have let you go. I know that. I’ve been mad at myself ever since. I tried to find you, but you did a good job of hiding.”

“You what?”

“I tried to find you Rey. I wanted to come after you. I was worried about you.”

“Really?”

“I won’t lie, it was also for me. I didn’t know how to be me without you. I didn’t know who I was anymore when you left. I was so lost, Rey,” he sighed softly, grabbing onto a stray piece of her hair between his thumb and finger. 

“But you left all of us that night without any indication of where you were going. Rose and Hux were just as determined as I was, but we had no idea where to even start. Rey, you have to believe me here. I would have done anything to have you back. But when you never reached out to any of us, it broke me. My world came crashing down, and I felt like I had no one to blame but myself. But I had to move on, somehow. I had to accept that you didn’t love me anymore, and just hope that you were happy, living the life that you deserved. Even if that meant I wasn’t a part of it.”

She tore her eyes away from his, trying to will away the tears that were trying to fall down her face. “I’m so sorry, Ben.”

“I didn’t want to move on. I fought it for so long. I didn’t think I could be happy without you.”

He exhaled as he brought his hands to cup her cheeks, tilting her head slightly to force her eyes to meet his. He smiled softly as she gnawed at her lip, worried if she spoke now she’d ruin everything, Well, more so than she already had.

“And now you’re back and telling me you never stopped loving me. It’s just,” he dropped his hands back to his sides, stepping back to create more space between them. “It’s a lot to process right now.”

She felt her chest tighten, her breath getting caught in her throat. How does one react to a proposal confession? He wanted her, in every aspect of life, and she ran. The man had tried to find her, so sure of his love and his need for her in his life. But she didn’t deserve that. Not then, and certainly not now.

“I just don’t know what you thought was going to come from this. I mean, for god’s sake Rey, I’m getting married tomorrow! What am I supposed to do now?”

“Nothing. Ben, I’m not expecting anything from you. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“But you did! Were you planning on keeping me in the dark for the rest of my life?”

“I don’t know!”

“Then why’d you tell me? Why now?”

“I don’t know!”

“Rey. Please, I don’t want to keep arguing. I just want to know.”

Ben.”

“Rey, just tell me!”

“Because I’m done!” she yelled, tears streaming down her face. “I’ve been holding this in for so long, and I needed to say it. I needed you to know so I could finally find peace. I need to move on, too.” 

“Rey.”

“I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I shouldn’t have come back, especially this weekend. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t say that.”

“No, Ben, you’re right. You’re getting married tomorrow and that’s great. Bazine seems really great and she’s been there for you when I haven’t. I want you to be happy, Ben. You deserve to be happy.”

“Stop, Rey, please. Don’t bring her into this.”

“It’s kind of hard not to when she’s the one you’re getting married to.”

He paused, taking in her words as the guilt flitted across his face before he steeled himself, all emotions wiped away in the blink of an eye. He took a step closer, placing his hands on her hips, rubbing small circles with his thumb. Her skin buzzed under his touch, even through the fabric of her dress. 

“What if I wasn’t?” he whispered. 

“What?”

“If I wasn’t getting married tomorrow, would that change anything for you?”

“What?”

“Rey, please. If I had found your years ago like I should have and begged you to come back, or if I had just smartened up and told you about the ring before you walked out on me, would any of that changed your mind? Would that have been enough for you to stay?”

“Ben,” she whispered, breath caught in her throat.

“Would it have changed your mind?”

“But you didn’t find me.”

“I know that, but would you still want to be with me if I wasn’t getting married tomorrow?” he pleaded, hands gripping tightly at her hips.

The what if game was something Rey played often with herself. If she wasn’t so damaged, would she have questioned Ben as harshly as she had? If she hadn’t have run away, would he have convinced her to get back together? If he ever asked, would she want him back?

“Yes,” she whispered. 

“Yes?” he questioned, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. 

“Yes.”

He moved in, closing the space between them while bringing his forehead down to touch hers. One hand found its way to the small of her back, while his other hand reached up to caress her cheek. Her heart rate increased as her own hands came up, fisting into the front of his shirt. Their eyes were locked, both drifting closer to one another, caving into the magnetic pull between them. 

“Rey, I-”

“Ben!”

They both jumped apart at the sound of Hux’s voice drifting to them from around the corner. Their eyes remained locked as Hux continued to yell out, a flurry of emotions running across Ben’s face. Everything from anger and frustration to guilt and devastation, much like how she currently felt about the little predicament Hux was interrupting. 

“Ben! Where the fuck are you?”

Rey could hear Ben grumble under his breath as he brushed the wrinkles from his shirt. He looked her up and down one more time, a small smile appearing in his face before steeling himself, slowly making his way around the corner. Rey followed close behind, eyes hanging down like a kid caught with her hands in the cookie jar. 

“What?” he grunted. Hux paused, eyeing her up suspiciously as she rounded the corner behind him. 

“Hi to you too. I’m glad you’re still here. I don’t think I’d like the wrath of Rose if I had to tell her you bolted,” the ginger scoffed. 

“Well, I didn’t.”

“Which is great, but I still don’t think I want to know what will happen if I don’t get you back in there for your speech.”

“Five more minutes.”

“I can’t do that. We're on a schedule here.”

“It can wait.”

“No, it can’t. Hux, just… distract them.”

“Oh sure, should I go in and admit my love for you as well?”

“Ben,” she whispered, ceasing the argument between the two men. 

Ben huffed, turning back to look at Rey. His anger was evident across his face. Shoulders tense like he was holding the weight of the world on them. 

“You should go. I need to get going anyway,” she whispered. 

“Rey, please don’t leave.” 

“Ben, she can make her own decisions,” Hux warned. “I need you to get your ass back into your rehearsal dinner, like, five minutes ago.”

“Hux! Just stall for a few more minutes, please. I’ll be quick.”

Hux snorted. “Yeah, not happening. Bazine is already pissed that we're off schedule.”

Ben sighed loudly, rubbing at his temples. “Fine,” he uttered, turning his full attention back to Rey. “Please, don’t go anywhere. I need a few minutes but I would very much like to continue this conversation.”

The look in his eyes was the same as she remembered. Like she was his sun on a cold, winter day. His light at the end of the tunnel. She had missed this look the most, the look of love she knew she didn’t deserve but had found with him anyways.

“I’ll be right behind you, Ben.”

A small smile graced his lips, just for her, before he turned to head back into the building, leaving her alone with Hux.

Hux eyed her suspiciously as she fidgeted with the hem of her dress. They had never been close in high school. He was always just around, especially when it came to Rose. Hux was another topic that didn’t come up often in her conversations with Rose, all the information she had been given was that yes, Rose had finally caved and gone on a date with him, and yes, she had really just been stubborn and in love with the man for years. They had been together ever since that date. She also knew he had been there for Ben when she left, but she’d never press him for that information. It wasn’t her place to ask, anyways. 

“Look, Rey. I didn’t know that Rose was planning all of this.”

“All of what?”

“This... reunion, for lack of a better phrase. I had no idea she hadn’t told you about Ben and-”

“We never talk about Ben.”

“Yeah, I got that. Bit too late, but, I guess I understand.”

“Do you?”

“Honestly, no. I don’t. But, it’s not my place to question it now.”

The silence between them settled as Rey glanced around. Guests were wandering in and out of the hotel, paying no attention to the pair. Rey plotted her exit, how she could slip out without any notice. She thought over her bank balance, trying to determine what she could go without this month to change her flight last minute. There was no point being here. She had no right to be here, but with the way she was feeling about him. 

“You should know, though, if I had known, I would have warned you,” Hux stated, eyeing her carefully. 

“You would have?”

“Rey, we might not have been the closest of friends when we were younger, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been worried about you since you left.”

She smiled softly at him. “Ben mentioned something about you all trying to come after me when I left.”

Hux sighed. “When you leave with no warning, no indication of where you’re off to and why, it's hard to not want to send out a search party.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s in the past. I might not ever understand, but it’s not something we should dwell on. We can’t change the fact that it happened.”

The two stood in silence again. Rey kept her eyes down, reasoning through her next move. She only had one thing she could do, before she made everything worse. 

“Can you tell him… can you tell him that I’m sorry?”

“Rey-”

“And tell Rose that I’m sorry, too. I know she had good intentions, but I can’t be here anymore.”

“Rey-”

“I really don’t mean to put you and Rose through this, not again, but I just can’t do this,” she whispered, her tears trying to return. 

“Rey, you can’t run away again.”

“I’m not running.”

“But you are! I’ve already been through it once before and it was awful. I can’t do it again”

“Hux, I’m sorry, but I have no choice. And it’s not like it matters anyways since Ben’s getting married.” 

“Rey, you can’t honestly think it doesn't matter?”

“Why should it?”

“It’s not everyday that you have a love like what the two of you had! Rey, you broke him when you left. He’s only just put some of the pieces back and, for what, just to have you destroy him again?”

Tears welled in her eyes, guilt clear across her face. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. It shouldn’t be happening, but it was. What did she expect though? Nothing ever went the way she thought it would. 

“I didn’t think I had the power anymore. To hurt him again like I did all those years ago.”

“You’ll always affect him, no matter your intention. Ben has never been able to switch off his feelings when it comes to you.”

“Hux.”

“Rey, you can’t do this.”

“I’m sorry. But I can’t watch this happen. I can’t see him getting married when for the longest time, I thought it was going to be me up there with him.”

He sighed. “You’re really running again?”

She nodded. Tears were streaming down her face freely, her heart shattering into a billion little pieces. 

“You should go then. Get out of here before he comes back out.”

“I’m so sorry. I owe you,” she sniffled, hand coming up to brush away her tears. 

“Don’t go off the grid, this time. If you need to stay away from Ben, fine, but don’t shut us out again. I know you have new friends, but Rey, please. We’re still your friends, too.”

She smiled timidly. “Okay.”

Hux reached out first, gathering her into a tight embrace. Rey’s control broke there, openly sobbing into his chest as her arms wrapped around him. His hold on her tightened slightly as he buried his nose into the top of her head. 

“I know, Rey. I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I hope we don't hate me too much after that. I will admit, I got a little emotional over this as well.
> 
> I want to thank you all so much for the feedback from part i! I really appreciate everyone who has commented or left kudos here, it's made it easier to get through this part.


	3. i thought i'd be better off alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn helps Rey to see the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kind words! I promise I read every single comment that is left and it means the world to me that you have taken the time leave some love. I am so sorry for the delay in this chapter, life got busy and I am very easily distracted, but we are getting close to the end here. Thank you for sticking with me!

The cab ride back to her hotel was a blur. The short 10-minute trip through town had been quiet, her cab driver choosing to keep the music volume at just the right level to drown out her sniffles. She thanked him, tipping generously before clambering out of the vehicle. She wasn't the first heartbroken girl to sob in the backseat of the cab, and she certainly wouldn’t be the last.

She stumbled her way through the lobby, ignoring the strange looks from the other guests as she made her way to her room. She knew she looked like a mess, but could care less about the judgement of strangers. She was too busy beating herself up for mistakes, she didn’t need any assistance in that department. She left the light off, crawling into bed while surrounded by the dark, a fitting environment that matched her mood. What was there to be hopeful for anymore? Any opportunity she had, she ruined. 

There were many times she questioned Rose’s intentions. Rey had tried to suggest another weekend, something not so soon in order to prepare herself for the inevitable conversations she’d had to have, but Rose had been insistent. It’s not like she hadn’t wanted to come back. There would always be a special place in her heart here, the only place she ever considered home. She still thought of it as home, despite the time she had spent away. She had spent too long beating herself up over her decision to run and to cut off all ties with her previous life, she needed to face her demons in order to learn to move on. 

It was all in the past now. No matter how much time passed, her decision never got easier. And it never would. She had made her bed, and now she had to lie in it.

She couldn't remember packing her bag, nor could she remember the trip to the airport. She had lucked out, being able to change her ticket for the last flight of the night. She had sent a quick text to Finn, asking him to pick her up when she landed in the morning. He had been concerned but agreeable before she switched off her phone, leaning back in her seat as the plane prepared for take off.

Sleep never came, her brain refusing to quiet down. The words  _ ‘I was going to propose!’  _ and  _ ‘I shouldn’t have let you go’  _ and  _ ‘What if I wasn’t?’  _ on an endless repeat in her mind. She didn’t deserve those words, those feelings to still exist. She had broken him, a thought she reminded herself of daily. Nothing would ever make that okay, she knew that. He deserved to be able to tell her, to be able to air out his feelings. She had denied him that all those years ago.

Between thoughts of Ben, she thought of Rose and Hux. She hummed and hawed over how to message her, how to apologize for running out on her again. Yes, she was frustrated that she hadn’t been aware of what she was walking into, but it was nothing compared to what she had done yet again. She wished for a better way to atone for her guilt than a standard “ _ I’m sorry _ ” message. Maybe Finn would be able to help later, if she remembered to ask. 

Time passed by relatively quickly. She walked off the plane in a daze, her body and mind mentally exhausted from the day's events. 

Finn stood by the baggage claim, a concerned look on his face as she approached.

“So, that bad huh?” he asked, rocking back on his heels as he eyed her carefully.

Her eyes said what she couldn’t, her pain and heartbreak clear across her face. She shrugged her shoulders, her bottom lip quivering as Finn wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his warm embrace in a comforting gesture. 

She couldn’t help the sobs that escaped, her face buried in his chest as she chanted  _ ‘I messed up’ _ and  _ ‘I still love him’  _ on an endless loop. He shushed her, hands rubbing soothingly up and down her back as she poured out all of her hurt and anger from her inability to do the right thing, for constantly hurting the people she loves because of her own insecurity and fear. 

Finn pulled away, hands coming round to cup her cheeks, a worried look in his face. He cautiously dried her cheeks before placing a chaste kiss on her forehead before whisking her away to the car.

The ride home was quiet, Rey spending her time staring out the window in a daze, unable to take in her surroundings. She could feel Finn’s gaze wander to her while they waited at stop lights. She couldn’t look at him though, couldn’t bear to face the pity in his eyes. No one should feel pity for her. It was a waste on her, she felt. She was a victim of her own mistakes, she didn’t deserve the love and attention she knew he had for her.

She felt his hand on her knee before she saw it, a gentle reminder that he was there, even if her mind was miles away. She placed her hand over his, squeezing gently as the car rolled forward through the light, continuing to avoid his knowing look. She wasn’t ready for it, for the inevitable conversation where he’d want to know  _ everything _ and she’d have to admit  _ again _ that she was wrong.

Rey stumbled into their house before Finn, dragging her suitcase in behind as she made her way down the hall towards her room. 

“Rey, what are you-”

“I just need to be alone, Finn.”

The door clicked shut as she leaned against it, waiting to hear the soft padding of footsteps as Finn made his way down the hall before she burst into tears. Her sobs wracked through her body as she stumbled to the bed, burying herself face first into the sheets as she let herself feel everything from the past 24 hours. The nervousness of returning, the elation of reuniting with Rose after so long, the shock of learning of Ben’s impending nuptials, to the warmth from seeing him again, the mortification of admitting her secret, the heartbreak from walking away again. She let herself feel it all, not caring for anything else. It was selfish, she knew that, but it didn’t make it any easier to get over.

Of all the scenarios she had run through her mind, this never crossed her mind. Whenever she had let her mind drift to thoughts of Ben, whenever she wondered how he was fairing, if he had achieved his goals in life, she always imagined him happy. He would have been happy with the relationship with his parents, something he had worked to improve all through high school. He’d be happy with the friends he surrounded himself with, happy with his career progress. Funny thing is though, she never imagined him with someone else. She couldn’t. Any thoughts of Ben being happy always led to thoughts of her on his arm, both smiling adoringly at one another and–

No, that wasn’t possible anymore. Any hope of her having a happy ending was gone the moment she walked out the door. There was no point in playing the  _ what if _ game anymore. She messed up, plain and simple. Ben would never forgive her, not after this. Not after everything she’d done. This was the last straw. 

Eventually she passed out, her exhaustion pulling her under into a deep sleep. It was dark by the time she stirred, a bit delirious but otherwise calmer. Or at least, more numb to the reality she had found herself in. She knew the longer she put off facing Finn, the worse it would be. She took a calming breath, running her hand through her hair before making her way out of her room. 

She found Finn in the living room, relaxed on the couch with his phone in his hand. He jumped up quickly when he noticed her, approaching her cautiously. 

“How are you feeling? Did you sleep at all? You must be hungry, do you need me to make you something? I could order in, your favourite place is still open, and I-”

“Finn.”

He sighed, rubbing her bare arms as he looked at her sadly. 

“You’re freezing. At least let me make you some tea.”

She nodded softly, moving slowly towards the couch. She had barely sat down before blankets were tossed towards her, a few pillows too. Finn was surrounding her a second later, wrapping blanket after blanket around her before tucking her into the couch.

“I’ll be right back, Peanut.”

She sat burrowed into the corner of the couch as Finn started the kettle. She watched as he grabbed out two mugs as she got comfortable, pulling out her special tea blend. It was the comfort blend, as they had nicknamed it. It was only ever pulled out for the hard talks, the ones neither one of them wanted to have but knew was necessary. It was for moments like now, when the only comfort Rey was about to know was that cup of tea. Because once Finn knew everything, what would he think of her? Would he really be able to support her when he was the one who thought she needed to reach out, to bridge the gap between them and create some closure in her life? Had running away again really accomplished anything?

He approached cautiously a few moments later, placing the hot mug on the table in front of her before settling in across from her. 

“Tell me what happened, Rey.”

She sighed, fingers playing with the edge of the blanket. There was no point in hiding it anymore. If she’d learnt anything this weekend, it was that secrets were never a good thing, no matter the consequences that came with them.

“I shouldn’t have gone.”

“What do you mean?” he asked softly.

“I saw Ben.”

“You what?”

“Ben. He was there.”

“Like, Ben Ben? Not just some random Ben off the street?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” he said exaggeratedly. “I don’t think I’m following. Isn’t that a good thing?”

Taking a deep breath, she launched into it. Better to rip the metaphorical bandaid off, right?

“Rose was adamant that I visit this weekend. Only she didn’t tell me why it had to be this weeked, I just thought it was just the one that worked well for her. Turns out, it’s Ben’s wedding weekend.”

She could hear Finn’s ragged breath, she could see his clenched fists digging into the couch. 

“His wedding weekend?”

“Yes.”

“And she, what, expected you to just sit at her place all alone while she went off and partied it up with your ex?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“No. She swung a seat for me.”

“Hold up, she invited you to visit her on Ben’s wedding weekend and expected you to attend with her? What the hell is her problem?”

“Finn, no, it’s not-”

“And she expected you to just sit there and watch Ben get married. Like,  _ the _ Ben. Married. To someone else. What the hell was she thinking?”

Her mouth hung agape, vehemently shaking her head no as she tried to formulate the right words. “No, god no. I left before then. I couldn’t watch that.”

“I know you love her, but seriously, what the hell was she thinking?”

“Finn, please. Don’t blame Rose.”

“How can I sit here and–”

“There’s more,” she interrupted.

“What?”

“I didn’t just leave when I found out it was his wedding. I – uh – went to the rehearsal dinner, and – uh –” she stammered, struggling with finding the right words.

“What?”

“I went, and well, I mean, Rose needed me to help her stall and I agreed. It’s all a bit of a blur really, but I was tipsy and all of a sudden there was a mic in my hand and I, uh, kind of announced to the whole room that I’m still in love with him.”

“You did what?”

“I just started blabbering! You know what champagne does to me. I thought I was helping Rose, but I just started talking and I couldn’t stop!”

“I know you love Rose and all but she’s not giving me a lot of reasons to like her at this moment,” he seethed, standing up to begin pacing back and forth. 

“Finn, it’s not her fault. None of this is her fault. I’m not mad at her,” she pleaded. 

“Well I am! Give me her number, I need to give her a piece of my mind–”

“Finn! Stop!”

He huffed, bringing his hands up to his hips. “Rey, what was she thinking? Did she really think you could handle seeing him? I mean, Peanut, you’re making strides, you’re trying, but you're still hurting. Why would she think that’s okay?”

“It doesn’t matter–”

“Of course it matters! Rey, if she really cared about you she wouldn’t have put you in that position.”

“Finn–”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because I never told her, okay?” she yelled, pausing to catch her breath. “It’s my fault, yet again. Blame me, Finn. Not Rose.”

“Rey–”

“No, Finn, you can’t be mad at her, okay? She meant well, but it’s not her fault that I haven’t been able to tell her. Please don’t be mad at her. I know you’d love her if you ever met her.”

His head tipped back in frustration, a long groan escaping his mouth. “You know I just want to help you, that’s all. I know I can be a bit too protective and–”

“I know, Finn. I don’t blame you.”

He sighed before walking back to her side, seating himself next to her. “Okay, so let’s go back. You announced it to the whole room?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, so what, you left after that?”

“Well, no.”

“No?” 

“He tracked me down. Ben, I mean. Said we needed to talk about it.”

“Oh fuck, what did he say.”

“Finn… remember how I told you I ended things before he could? That I was convinced he was trying to figure out how to let me down easy?”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“Well, it turns out he wasn’t being weird because he wanted to leave. Finn, he was ready to propose.”

The room went silent for a moment as he took in the news. The shock on his face was clear, his eyebrows furrowing as he processed her words. 

“Say that again.”

“Finn, he had a ring. He had a plan.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. Shit,” she repeated, silent tears beginning to stream down her face. “I guess I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did.”

“Hey, no, Rey, don’t do that.”

“What else am I supposed to do? I completely misread the situation, and for what? I completely shattered his heart, and Rose for that matter when I left, and look? I just walked out again! What kind of monster am I?”

“Rey–”

“I am one. I am a monster.”

“Rey, please.”

“I guess that’s what I deserve, huh?” she whispered, her breath hitching in her throat as her tears turned into sobs. 

His arms were around her in an instant, her face burrowing into his chest again. One hand was on her back, stroking gently up in down.

“It’s gonna be okay, Peanut. You’ll be okay.”

They sat in silence for a while as Rey’s tears petered out. She was exhausted. Tired of crying, exhausted from the physical toll it took on her body. Tired of the rollercoaster of emotions she was going through; the highs of being excited to reunite with her friend, and the lows needing to face Ben, to break her heart all over again by walking away.

She pulled away after a while, rubbing her hands up against her tear-stained cheeks. Finn kept a hand on her back, his thumb rubbing soothing circles as he eyed her cautiously.

“Rey, I know you. I know you don’t think you deserve to be happy or to be loved, but you do. Of all the people in my life, I have never met anyone more deserving of it.”

She sighed, trying to let his words sink in. Finn had been her support system since they met. He’d allowed her to crash on his couch when she’d been late on rent once. He immediately searched for a bigger place for them, helping her get her feet back under her in a time of need. He pushed her to reach out to those she’d left behind, to seek the closure he saw that she needed to truly be able to live her life. He saw her at her worst and still cared. She would never understand what he saw in her.

“Finn–”

“Hear me out, Rey. I know this is hard for you to hear and to accept, but I don’t think you should let one mistake dictate the rest of your life.”

“But–”

“Rey, can you honestly say with what you know now that you would have made the same decision?”

“But I didn’t! I left him though! I ruined that chance when I got scared.”

“Rey, you can’t keep thinking like this.”

“But it’s true. There’s no point sugar-coating it. I left him, and he found someone else. At least one of us can be happy now.”

“Is he though?”

“Is he what?”

“Is he happy?”

“Why wouldn’t he be happy? He’s the one getting married today.”

“Yes, but did he explicitly say so when he came after you and dumped his proposal woes on you?”

“Well – no, but – does it matter?” she stammers.

His eyes soften as he takes her in, a small smile forming on his lips.

“Yes. It matters.”

She tried to think back to last night, to everything she had learnt in the conversations. She hadn’t asked explicitly, she hadn’t really thought of it in the moment. She’d been too wrapped up in his confession and her conflicting emotions to ask. It was selfish, really, but this whole thing had been selfish. She was the one who came sauntering back into what should be the happiest weekend of his life, admitting her love for him never died down, even if she was the one to break his heart in the first place. What kind of person did something like that?

Yet, she couldn’t help but question everything. If he was happy, why would he have followed her out? Why would he have wanted her to stay? He was about to kiss her before Hux came out, she knew that. So, was he truly happy without her? Or was he like her, going through the motions of what people expected of him, taking things one day at a time to try and come to terms with his new reality?

“Why?” she asked. 

“Why what?”

“Why does it matter?”

He sighed, rubbing at his head. “Maybe I’m just reading into things.”

She looked down, a bit confused at his reaction. She couldn’t help but be disappointed, worried that she had failed to see something. If Finn thought something was there, he would tell her, right?

“Tell me something,” he asked, interrupting her spiraling thoughts. 

“What?”

“Rey, whenever you’ve talked about Ben, you make it seem like he’s the only person you can see yourself loving.”

“That’s not true! You know I love you and–”

“You love me like a brother, Rey. It's different.”

She sighed, reaching up to tug at her hair. “It doesn’t matter anyways,” she mumbled. 

“How so?”

“Some people just aren’t cut out for romantic love. I’m certainly not.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is though, Finn. If I was, it wouldn’t have been so easy to walk away.”

“Was it, though?”

“What?”

“Was it easy to walk away? Both times?”

“What?”

“You ran away again.”

“Finn, I don’t–”

“Rey, you’re back home a full two day before you were meant to fly home, and I know it wasn’t Rose’s idea. And we both know that the first time almost killed you.”

“I – I just – I was so confused. I’ve thought about it so much, what would happen if I ever saw him again, what I wanted to say. But, I just wasn't prepared for when it would actually happen.”

“When you say you weren’t prepared, what do you mean?”

She paused, thinking out her reason. She could try and lie, but Finn would see right through it. She could try and deflect some more, but she knew he wouldn’t let it go until she said it, until she finally admitted the truth out loud for him to hear.

“I didn’t realize how much I still loved him, I guess. I didn’t realize he still had that much power to break my heart.”

Silence flowed between them for a moment as Finn scratched at his chin, thinking his response. Rey gazed at him, curious at his thoughts. He always had something to say, especially when it came Ben. The few times he would pop up, and she did her best to keep it to a minimum, it almost always turned into a lecture of sorts. He meant well, she knew that, but it was hard to hear. She knew she had made a mistake, she didn’t need someone else to remind her.

But as he opened his mouth to speak, no words came out. Instead, the room filled with his laughter.

Her face fell as he folded forward, a full belly laugh echoing throughout the room. 

“Gee, thanks. I’m glad my issues are so entertaining to you,” she seethed, trying to get herself clear of the blankets to stand up.

“No, Rey, stay. I promise it’s fine,” he urged, reaching out to pull her back down. 

“How is laughing at me fine?”

“I mean it with love, I swear!” he said, settling down. “Rey, I’m just shocked that you didn’t realize how much you loved him. It’s been clear to me since – well, as long as I’ve met you, really.”

“How?

“I know you think you’re trying, but you’re a bit of an open book. I knew the moment I met you there was something hurting you. It didn’t take too long after that to know it was love related.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“But – I never said anything.”

“Sometimes that’s more telling. Which is why I know more must have happened in your little reunion with Ben. Your reaction isn’t just from finding out the man wanted to marry you.”

She sighed. “Well, there was a – a moment, you could say.”

“A moment?”

“Yeah, you know – a moment.”

“Rey, a moment could mean anything.”

“Well, maybe it wasn’t anything and I’m just reading into it.”

“Stop that. Tell me what happened.”

“Ithinkhewantedtokissme,” she rushed out, gnawing at her bottom lip as she waited for him to respond. 

“Woah, woah, woah, slow down there Peanut. You think what?”

She sighed, trying to calm herself before continuing. “I think he wanted to kiss me. Plus, he kept asking me what I wanted, and what if he wasn’t getting married and I – why are you looking at me like that?”

He smiled wide, bringing her in for a hug. 

“Because this is great news!”

“What?”

“Rey, this is perfect!”

“What are you talking about? He has a fiance! He’s probably married by now, actually.”

He chuckled. “Peanut, do I really need to spell it out for you?”

“Yes.”

“Rey, from what I can tell, there’s still hope there. And this is just what I’m gathering from the extremely limited take of events I’m getting.”

Her breath hitched, her heart hammering hard in her chest. “You do?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Was there hope? Hope was a funny thing. At one point, she had hope that she wouldn’t be alone, that her parents would come back for her. As she got older, that idea faded, but of course she had Ben then. She had hope that he would always be there for her, no matter what. That hope had died when she walked out, her committing to a lonely life of exile. But was what Finn saying true? Was there still hope for her and Ben?

“What stopped him from kissing you?” he asked. 

“Oh, Hux found us. Needed Ben to get back inside.”

“Okay, so what happened next?”

“Well, Ben asked me to stay, but I didn’t feel like I should. Or could, for that matter.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“Of course not.”

“Let me guess, you said yes to his face and then proceeded to bolt as soon as his back was turned?”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, not exactly like that, but yes.”

“Rey, I swear to god, if we were there right now, I would be marching you straight back into that man’s arms right now. Hell, I would object that stupid wedding for you on account of the groom still being head over heels for you.”

“Wait, what?”

“Rey, a man who is about to be happily married does not ask his ex-girlfriend to stick around to talk, and most certainly does not have a moment and try to kiss her. There is no way in hell a happy man would ask you what you wanted if he wasn’t getting married. Seriously Rey, how much did you have to drink last night? All of the signs are there.”

Rey paused, thinking over everything from that night. The way he looked at her like he wasn’t sure if she was real, how he had held her close the way she liked, the way he knew made her feel safe and protected. The look in his eyes when he needed to know what she thought, what she wanted from him. It was the same look he gave her when they were younger, all those years ago. The same look he had when he first told her he loved her, desperate for the recirporaction, to know it wasn’t just him feeling that way.

Her realization crashed into her like a wave on a stormy day. Her heart hammered in her chest as her breath caught in her throat. The signs were all there. He still loved her, despite her leaving and breaking his heart, despite the fact that he was supposed to get married. Some part of him still loved her, and that was enough to shake her.

“Fuck. Wait, you really think so?”

“I do. I might not have met him but it sure seems to me like he does. A love like what the two of you share doesn’t just fade away.”

“What do I do?”

“You go find him.”

“But, he should be married by now. It’s too late.”

“Is it ever too late to fight for the one that you love?”

Her heart rate sped up, a small smile forming on her face. 

“You’re right.”

“Of course I am. Why do you doubt me?”

She huffed, throwing her blankets off. “I need to go.”

“You do.”

“Shit, do you think there’s any flights leaving tonight?”

“We’ll worry about that later. Go grab your stuff. You’ve got a man to catch!”

She giggled, throwing her arms around her friend. “Thank you,” she whispered, pulling him in close. 

“Anytime, Peanut. Anytime.”

A knock at the door echoed through the room as they pulled apart, a look of confusion on her face.

“I ended ordering food when I made your tea. That should be it. You grab your bag, I’ll deal with that.”

She ran to her room, grabbing her suitcase and a sweatshirt before running back out, making a beeline for the front door. There was so much to think about again. What did she want to say? Would he still be around or off on his honeymoon? Was it too late for him now, this being the last straw? She stopped herself though before she spiraled, pushing the negative thoughts out. There was hope. That’s what mattered.

As she made her way down the hall, she could hear voices at the door, chattering away in hushed tones. It wasn’t until she rounded the corner and spotted the tall, imposing figure in the doorway that she stopped, her heart feeling as if it was ready to burst.

“Ben?”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/happythehardway) for updates!


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